Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
