Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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