hell yes lets make some ravioli
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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