You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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