when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
