New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
