you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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