i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
