she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize