Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I deserve this hangover.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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