The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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