Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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