I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
