Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
