her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
