I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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