I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
