I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
