I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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