I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
