Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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