she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
