just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
