I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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