Yo dont text me then not text me
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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