Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
