did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
