I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
