I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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