Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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