I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
