i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
