You're my little dorito
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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