he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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