So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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