Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
