just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
