Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
