Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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