U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
