Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
