Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
