Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
