is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
