its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
