The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
