New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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