Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize