nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
