i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize