I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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