friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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