what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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