Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
