The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
