You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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