I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
