i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
