I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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