I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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