and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize